Oblivious
by Ktime
Summary: As they watched her level her gun to his head, one question ran through their minds 'How did it get this far'  The teams thoughts as the watched Stella breakdown at the end of 4x11
1. Shannon

Hey guys, so this going to be a several Chapter fic, it's just going to go through each characters POV as they watched Stella breaking down (4x11)

:)

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><p><strong>Shannon<strong>

You don't really know how it happened, how she got so far in front of you, how her gun ended up levelled at that pricks head. Everything happened so damn fast, the first thing you do is call for help.

Because you don't know what to do

You don't know how it got this far

You don't know how you didn't see it

She showed up at your house at midnight, alcohol in hand, and you didn't see it. You were so self-absorbed, dealing with relationship issues and all the other crap, that you didn't notice any of it

You didn't notice your best friend showing up to work drunk

The bags under her eyes

The fake smile she wore everyday

Her short tempered responses

And you hate yourself for it, because you should of

Because you know exactly what that kind of behaviour hides

Because that was you less than three months ago.

You bottled up your emotions, you attempted to hide everything. But you couldn't, because you had professional help, you had your friends support; you had everyone looking out for you, especially Stella.

Stella, the chick who was always there for you

The friend who looked the other way when you needed her to

The person who showed up at your house to comfort you, despite the fact she just lost two of her best friend. But as you look back now it occurs to you; maybe she wasn't there for you, maybe she wasn't there to hold you while you cried.

Maybe she was there because she was tired of drinking by herself

Maybe she didn't want to go home

Maybe she was there because she just needed a friend

Because Josh was missing, and she thought he was dead, and normally in this sort of situation she'd be with Michael. But she couldn't now, so she turned to you, and as you look at her shaking with rage, gun in hand. You can't help but wish she hadn't.

Because maybe if she had turned to someone else, they would've seen it

Maybe they would've been there for her, just like you **should've** been

Maybe they would've helped

Because you certainly didn't

You look up and see she's sobbing now, and this just makes the guilt double; because she's Stella. She's the one that always holds it together.

The one that's always willing to take everything a step to far

The one with the inappropriate comments

And it's now that you realise why you missed, why you missed her far from subtle behaviour. You missed it because you didn't want to see it.

Because you didn't want to see her break down

Because you couldn't handle it

And how fucking selfish was that?

You snap out of your thoughts as you see her collapse to the ground, breaking down in front of everyone. You want nothing more than to go over and comfort her, but you can't move. Because you weren't there for her when she needed you, so you don't have the right to be there for her now.

Because she would've been there for you, and that's what makes this all so hard

Because aside from Lawson she's your closet friend on this team

She made you feel welcome

You try to deny that it's 'female thing'

But you can't

Because realistically that's exactly what it is

Because it **is** a male environment

So you stuck together

You had each other's back

You looked out for one another

Or rather she looked for you

Because as the evidence runs over and over in your head, only one question runs through your mind

How the fuck did you miss it?

What kind of friend are you?

What kind of person are you?

How did everything get so fucked up?

How did you let it?

When you finally do get the courage to approach her, she offers you a slight smile, as if she didn't just break down in front of you

As if she didn't just contemplate killing someone in cold blood

As if this entire thing wasn't your fault

As if you were still that trusting friend she had all along

But as you look into her facial expressions you realise she truly believes that.

That makes you want snap

Because part of your wishes she'd blame you

Part of you wishes she would yell at you, and ask you why you weren't there for her

Why you were so ignorant to her struggle

But she doesn't

She just smiles

And you realise that now it's her turn to be ignorant

You know that's not good in the long run. So you promise yourself you'll look out for her

You'll notice the small things

You won't let her bottle everything up

Because that's what she did for you.

But right now she wants to pretend this never happened

That's all she wants at the moment

It's what she needs

And it's about time you gave her that.

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><p>Please review and let me know if you think i should keep going, or just leave it as a one shot :)<p>

Again please excuse spelling errors (It's 11:30pm :P)

If you guy's do want me to keep going i'll try and update as soon as possible, but i have my last ever exams coming up next week :) :) (for school anyway. . . )

Cheers


	2. Christian

Quick shoutout to my reviewers ankaz123 and xxBuffyfreakx, thanks very much, this is for you :)

I'm not very happy with this chapter, I'm not ver confident writing Christian

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><p><strong>Christian<strong>

You don't really know how it happened, you knew she was quick, but you'd never seen her run so fast in your life. When she pushed you out the way, you thought she was just focused, and technically you were right.

But it's what she's focused on that's the problem

And it's not until you round the corner and see her that you realise this.

It's that sight that causes you to freeze

It's in that moment that everything you've learnt over the years is tossed out the window

Because they never taught you this

Because there was no "What to do if you college snaps and tries to kill someone" chapter in the manual.

You don't hear Shannon call for help, and you're pretty sure Stella doesn't either. Your mind is going at a million miles an hour. You're completely lost, because its times like these you'd turn to god

But currently your faith is far from poised

And you can't help but think of the irony

Because Stella is the main reason why your faith is in tatters

And right now she's the reason you so desperately wished it wasn't

But she lost her faith in god

She lost her faith in everyone

And she took it out on you

And your beliefs

She said one thing, one damn thing, you're pretty sure she probably doesn't even remember saying it. But she did, and that's the problem

She tore down the one thing that you always held onto

With one sentence

One fucking sentence

That's all it took

For you to doubt everything you ever believed in

For you to doubt the very essence of your life

And you hate her for that.

And maybe that's why you ignored the signs

Maybe that's why, when you walked into the locker room to see her standing on the bench, with a look of terror unlike anything you've seen, you didn't do anything.

Maybe that's why you believed her when she told you she was putting her shoes on

Maybe that's why you left her

But as you watch the situation in front of you unfold with unfocused eyes, you realise maybe your lack of faith wasn't entirely her fault

Sure she questioned you

But there had to be something inside you that made you believe her so easily

And it's not until you see her fall to the ground sobbing uncontrollably that you realise you started to question your faith long before your argument with Stella.

Because she used to believe just like you

And look how that turned out for her

She lost her best friend

She had a fucking mental breakdown

And you can't help but wonder, where was the person that you both used to have so much faith in?

Where was god when you needed him?

And more importantly how the fuck did he let this happen?

To you

To Stella

To everyone on this team

You'd already lost so much already

How could he let you so easily abandon your faith?

How could he let you so easily abandon your team member?

As she falls into Lawson's grasp and you promise you won't abandon her again.

You vow to help her rebuild her faith

Even if you're still rebuilding yours

Because she's lost so much over the last month

She can't afford to lose her faith as well

And quite frankly, neither can you.

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><p>Please review, i'm not really sure if you guys are reading this or not, or whether you actually like it or not. If no one is really enjoying it I'll just leave it as a two-shot :)<p>

So let me know what you think, it means alot :) :)

Cheers

P.S - I still don't have a Beta reader so excuse spelling :) and if anyone is interested in Beta-ing for me let me know it would be very much appreciated :) :)


	3. Leon

Hey guys thanks for the reviews, you inspired me to write this chapter

Shout out to: blake007, Bella, RushisAwesome, xxBuffyfreakxx, Love the RUSH, xxletgoxx, x, ankaz123

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><p><strong>Leon<strong>

You don't really know how it happened, one minute you were following them on your screen, the next thing she was hidden by an inconveniently placed roof. You knew something had gone horribly wrong before you got the camera up. You saw that she was uninjured

But you knew she was far from fine

And you wondered when you stopped noticing her

You wondered when you stopped being friends

Because if you were friends you would've noticed it

If you were friends you would've helped her before any of this happened

But you didn't

And you try to tell yourself it's because you were busy

You were helping Josh

You were doing the right thing

But as you watch the rest of the team approach her, even you don't believe that

Maybe if you had of told her about Josh

Maybe that would've lifted enough weight of her shoulders

Maybe this wouldn't be happening

But you didn't

And it is

And that's just shit

Because you're used to watching

You're used to sitting in that worn out chair watching your team face crisis after crisis

But this is worse

And you're not entirely sure why

But you're fairly sure you'd rather watch them in fucking shoot out

Because you couldn't have prevented that

Because that wouldn't be your fault

But this, this is something you will never forgive yourself for

Because when they're out there you can't protect them

All you can do is give them directions and blue prints

Tell them whether to turn left or right

But in here, when they come back to base

You're meant to look out for them

Because that's what you **can** do

That's what you're **meant** to do

But you didn't

You rang to offer her a lift to the funeral but she didn't pick up

And that was that

You didn't try again

But god you wish you did

Looking at the sight in front you've never wished for anything as much in your life

Because maybe that's all it would've taken

One phone call

One visit

One fucking person to see through her façade

One person to care enough to look

And you know that should've been you

But it wasn't

And you can't for life of you figure out why

Because you used to be so close, you used to gossip and laugh together. She leant you money when you needed it, you hugged her when she needed it. No matter the time or place, in spite of the petty arguments you were always there for each other.

Or you used to be

So why weren't you there for her then?

Why weren't you there for her the one time she really needed you?

As you watch her collapse to the ground tears begin to flow freely down your face. Because despite all of the self-doubt and the self-implicating questions that are running through your head, there's one question that is continuously nagging at your mind that you are attempting to ignore.

When did she stop trusting you?

When did you stop being the person she could turn to?

Because Michael was gone, and Josh was missing but she _still_ didn't come to **you**. And there was that tiny part of you that was a little bit hurt; because you were there for her long before any of the others showed up. Because you had earned her friendship long before they had.

Yet she still didn't turn to you

That said, she didn't turn to anyone

And fuck it you wish she did

Because she bottled it up

She tried to deal with it all herself

She turned to vodka instead of her friends

Instead of you

And you wonder how this is only becoming clear to you now, as you watch her cling to Lawson for dear life; you wonder why you couldn't have seen this earlier.

Maybe it's because she didn't want you to

Maybe it's because she's just that damn good at hiding things

But you promise yourself you won't let her down again

You'll make her talk

You'll make her trust you

Because that trust is something she needs

It's something you need

And you're not going to stop until you have it.

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><p>Never written Leon before, please let me know what you think :)<p>

Keep the reviews coming, the more reviews the faster the new chapters :)


	4. Kerry

Thanks for everyone who's reading special thanks to all my reviewers:

blake007, Bella, wicked-nachos-09, xxBuffyfreakxx, kirst92 , xxletgoxx, x, ankaz123

I had a bit of trouble with this chpater (that's why it took so long) So please let me know what you think :)

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><p><strong>Kerry<strong>

You don't really know how it happen, you turned to answer your phone, and when you turned back, the only thing you saw was your missing employee

Or the lack there of

So you ask the question, not entirely sure you want an answer

But the answer Shannon gives you doesn't help anyway

"She's not responding,"

What kind of fucked up answer is that

That could mean anything

She could be lying on the ground with two bullet holes in her chest

But the relief you feel when Leon gets the pictures up on the screen vanishes as quickly as it appeared

Because this, this was preventable

This is something you should've stopped

Because since you arrived at TR almost four years ago, you already lost three members

You sat there and watched as they slipped away.

You sat at the hospital as Graced died from a fucking concussion

You called Michael's parents and told them there son was brain-dead

And you watched Dom fly off the deep end, because no one thought to question his behaviour

Because no one noticed

Because **you** didn't notice

And as you watch Stella's grip on the gun tighten you wonder how you missed it again

It was so obvious

She lost the love of her life

She lost her best friend

And the one person she could've turned to pissed off to chase some personal endeavour, and left her

And you still didn't see it

Or maybe you did, and just didn't have the time to worry about it

Because looking back now

You saw everything

You saw her drag herself into work everyday

You saw her hiding out in TR1

You caught her smashing her fist into Michael's locker

You even noticed the fact the spent ten minutes longer in shower every morning in an attempt to sober up

You noticed everything

You noticed because it's your job to notice

And if there's one thing you're good at it, it's your job

Well at least you **used** to be good at it

Because it's your job to notice so you can help

Not so you can just walk away

But you did, you left her to deal with it on her own, because you just didn't have the time

Because you lost Michael

Then you lost Josh, and you were so focused on getting him back that you didn't do anything about the young girl who was slowly slipping away right in front of you

The job had gotten in the way of what you had to do

Of what you should've done

And it wasn't the first time

Because this was all too familiar to you

This is the reason your son ended up on the opposite side of the world

This is the reason your son ended up with one less finger

Because once again, your fucking job got in the way of what was important

Your son had said it to you,

It wasn't a secret

"You're a shit mum, but you're a good cop" And it's not until you watch Stella attempt to throw her life away because no one fucking helped her that you realise this

And you know you're not her mother

You know she's not part of your family

But that doesn't change the fact that you should've had her back

That you should've fucking done something when you caught her sleeping in the change room

That you should've learnt from the first two times you let this happen

Though in your defence

At least you noticed this time

But now that you think about it, it's kind of worse

Because it's one thing not to notice

It's another to notice and do jack shit about it

And right now all you can do is wish that you hadn't of

And you know that's selfish

But if you hadn't of notice than you wouldn't feel guilty

If you hadn't of noticed then you wouldn't be questioning every decision you've made of the last month

But you did

And it's only as you watch Stella plant her foot in his face, that you realise it was you maternal instinct that made you notice

It just wasn't developed enough to force you to act on it.

And as you watch her sobbing on the ground, you vow to fix that

Because you need to have your teams back

You need to have you sons back

Because it's not enough to just notice

You have to act

If not for your family then yourself

Because you can't stand to sit by while you lose another member

Because you don't think you can put them back together

Not again

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><p>Please review, they inspire me to write<p>

Let me know what you think


	5. Lawson

Next chapter :)

Thanks to all my reviewers they make me smile keep them coming:

.Ears, blake007, wicked-nachos-09, ankaz123, Bella, kirst92, blake007

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><p><strong>Lawson<strong>

You don't really know how it happened, but you can't say you're surprised, because you've been waiting for her to break for so long

You've been watching, and just wishing that she would

But not like this

Not this badly

And you can't help but think you could've stopped this

Charlie said that he'd look out for her, but he didn't

And that's not your fault

Well at least that's what you tell yourself

But you knew

You knew he wouldn't help her

You knew he'd just fuck her up even more

But that wasn't your problem

Because you had so much more to worry about

Because Michal was gone

And Josh was missing

And then the next thing you knew you fucking his fiancé

You were screwing up the best thing that ever happened to you, and for the life of you, you still can't figure out why

Because Shannon is your world, she's the reason you get up in the morning

But you threw it away

In one moment of grief

In one stupid error of judgement

You almost lost everything that's important to you

So you didn't have time to worry about Stella

You didn't have time to try and hold her together

Because you were too busy trying to hold your own life together

So you handed her off to Charlie

Because then you didn't have to deal with her

Because that way it wasn't your problem

That way when you watched her struggling every day, you didn't have to feel guilty

Because it wasn't your problem to deal with

But it's only now, as you watch her threaten to throw her career away

Threaten to throw her life away

That you realise it was your problem

That it **is** your problem

You just didn't deal with it, and god you wish you did, you wish for a lot of things lately

You wish Charlie had never shown up

You wish Michael hadn't of got in that car

And you wish so badly that you sent someone else to update Tash

Because then this wouldn't of happened

Because then maybe you would've done what you were supposed to

Maybe then, when you saw Stella throwing up in the change room every other morning you would've done something about it, or maybe even have told Shannon, because then maybe she could've done something

But you didn't

Because at that moment in time you weren't exactly on talking terms with your girlfriend

Because Josh left

Your best friend left

And you thought he was dead, and god you hate him for that

Because one phone call, that's all it would've taken

One phone call and all of this could've been prevented

Because then you wouldn't have gone to Tash's place

And even if you did

You wouldn't have slept with her

You would've gone home, where you were meant to be, to the person you were meant to be with. And your relationship wouldn't be so fucked up

And then maybe you wouldn't have been so preoccupied

Then maybe you could've helped her

And maybe you wouldn't be here, talking her down like she was some unstable individual

Trying to get her to remember something that **she** said

Trying to stop her from throwing her life away

And as she drops to the ground you promise you won't get preoccupied again

Because you won't have anything to be preoccupied by

Because you're going to fix this, you're going to fix your fucked up relationship, and you're going to help your broken college

So you hold her while she sobs

While all the emotions she's built up over the last month come flooding out

While she finally breaks down

And when the sobbing finally dies down, Shannon offers you small smile, a smile that forces you to remember why you fell in love with her in the first place

And suddenly everything seems like it might be okay

So when Charlie tries to convince you to sideline Stella

You do what you should've done three weeks ago

What you should've done from the start

You stand up for her

You look out for her

You have her back

Because you're not going to abandon her again

You promise yourself that

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><p>Two chapters to go . . . i think<p>

Please review :) :)


	6. Josh

Hey guys

Sorry for the delay, just finished my last ever exams for yr 12!

Big thanks to all reviewers :) :) please keep them coming

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><p><strong>Josh<strong>

You don't really know how it happened; of course that's probably because you haven't been there for the last month. So you really have no idea what's going on in her head, although looking at the sight in front of you, you know her thoughts are far from rational.

As soon as Charlie ran off, you knew something was wrong; all you could do was pray that your team hadn't lost someone else. Because that would mean you were responsible for the loss of yet another team member, and you're not quite sure you could handle that.

But you're not the least bit relieved when you see the team in one piece, because your eyes are locked on Stella

And the gun in her hand

And the prick whose head it's pointed at

Because you've let them down again, you lead them here. You knew they'd follow you

And as you look at the sight in front of you, you so wish they didn't

But even if they hadn't of followed you, she still be in the same fucked up mental state, because it was so obvious this breakdown was a long time coming.

To be honest Stella is one of the reasons you went AWOL, she blamed you for what happened, so you set off to make amends, and it wasn't until you were in too deep that you finally realised that maybe she didn't actually blame you.

That maybe in that moment of time she just need someone to blame.

Maybe that made the whole thing that tiny bit easier.

And as much as she may have contributed to the guilt, it was always there, and you were always going to take that bastard down, whether she blamed you or not.

But now she's standing in the position that pictured yourself in for last month (gun levelled at the pricks head), because you didn't consider the effect your absence would have on her

You worried about Tash

You even worried about Lawson

But Stella didn't even cross your mind

And for the life of you, you don't know why

Because you knew she would be the one who struggled, she lost her best friend, the person she loved

And you know exactly what that's like

To lose the one person you can turn to

The one person you could trust

The one person that means everything to you

You've been through it all before

The only difference is, you had support, **she** was there for you

She was there when you needed to talk

She was there when you needed a lift home from the pub at 3am

She was there when you just needed a friend

And now she was going through the exact same thing

The only difference is, she had no one

She was left to walk home from the pub

Because you left her

And you try to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault

Because you thought the team would support her

You thought they would look out for her

But as you listen to her beg for them to leave, it's pretty obvious that they didn't

And now the guilty feeling that has been building up inside you is replaced by anger

Because right now you're pissed

You're pissed at the team for not looking out for her

For not looking through the charade she had carelessly built

You're pissed at the fact that she's currently doing the one thing that you set out to do 26 days ago

And you're pissed at the prick whose life is currently in Stella's hands

Because he caused all this

He killed your mate

He fucked up one of your best friends

And you're so lost in your train of thoughts that when Charlie attempts to include you in the negotiation, all you can offer is emotionless 'No'

And it's then that she looks up at you desperately 'But Josh what about . . . What about Mich . .' She trailed off weakly

And you've never seen her look so lost

She's looking at you, begging for answers to questions that you're guessing she doesn't even know

Because right now, she just needs someone to be there for her

She needs someone she can trust

She needs someone she can turn to

She needs Michael

And that's not going to happen

So you have to do it

And you knew that

You knew that when you bailed on her four weeks ago

But that didn't stop you

But fuck you wish it did

Because you could've stopped this

You would've seen her struggles

Just like the team should've

But they didn't

They had their own shit to worry about

And she had no one

She has no one, or at least that's what she thinks

And you can't blame her

Normally you'd kick her ass for being so naïve, for thinking that she was alone

But as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words, and the action of being abandoned by your team spoke volumes

So you decide to finally do what you should've done weeks ago, what you team should've done, you're going to be there for her, as she was for you

You hand your gun off too Shannon, and cautiously approach your younger college

She looks up at you, already sobbing 'Josh?' She asked desperately, as if she's asking something, it's almost as if she's asking if it's really you

Asking if you're really there

'I'm with ya' and that's all you have to say for her to break down

For her to realise that she's not alone

Because she trusts you that much, that three words is all it takes for her to finally break

And fuck that makes you angry

Because you're the reason she's in this position

Because you left her

Because you abandoned her when she really needed you

And as you watch her sobbing desperately on the ground

You promise you'll keep an eye one her

You know you can't stop the late nights, but you can be there when they end

When she comes down from the alcohol induced state that allows her to momentarily forget everything that's happened

Because that's what she needs

Truthfully she needed that four weeks ago

But you weren't there then

So you've got a lot of catching up to do

Because now that she's finally hit rock bottom, she can start building herself back up again

And that is something you can help her with

Because you owe her that much.

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><p>Please review, Stella is up last<p>

I was thinking about trying to write Charlie, but I'm still not sure what i think about his character, if anyone has any ideas please let me know :)


	7. Stella

Finally right? :)

So at the moment this is going to be the last chapter, I may end up writing Charlie i'll just see how i go for time :)

Thank you so muh for everyone who followed this story

Big thanks to all my reviewers:

wicked-nachos-09, AllAnimalLover, blake007, ankaz123, Bella, Spbabe9, Danzjaron, xxBuffyfreakxx, .Ears, kirst92, K, RushisAwesome, xxletgoxx, Love the RUSH  
>Thank you guys so much, (reivew this chapter to) ;)<p>

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><p><strong>Stella <strong>

You don't know how it happened, you heard Lawson tell you who he was, what he did, and there was no way in hell he was going to get away this time

So you ran

You pushed past Shannon and Christian

Because he was yours

And you weren't going to let anyone else get this arrest

_Arrest him . . . _that was the plan

But as soon as your saw him, everything you built up over the last month came flooding out

You knew building up your emotions wasn't the smartest idea (Although you haven't really been one for smart ideas lately)

But you never thought they would come out like this

And as you look down at prick in front of you, you know you shouldn't be doing this

But you can't stop, not now

'Stella, Stel talk to me' You here Charlie ask, and you wonder how he got there so quickly

And suddenly you're facing a dilemma, because your team has been through so much already

They shouldn't have to watch you throw your life away

You couldn't do that to them

So you ask them, beg them to leave, because then you could stop worrying about them, stop that nagging voice in the back off your head that always seems to be looking out for everyone but you.

And fuck you hate it sometimes

Because right now all you want to do is look out for yourself

Do what you want to do

What you need to do

And not give a shit about anyone else,

Just as they didn't seem to care for you

'Where not gonna do that Stel' he answered as if it was obvious thing in the would

As if they would never consider leaving you

And you honestly don't know why

Because they didn't have a problem abandoning you before, so why would they now?

Logically you know that's not fair, because they tried, you just wouldn't let them in

But realistically you don't care, because they didn't try hard enough

'Please' you beg them, because this was your business, and they didn't try to integrate themselves into it before, so they have absolutely no right to now

"You don't have to do this, Stel" Charlie insists

And fuck you wish he'd just leave you alone, because he doesn't get it

Because you have to do this

You wish you didn't, but you have to

For Michael

Because he was everything to you

And this bastard took him away from you

Took him away from his parents

So you owe them that much

You owe **him** that much

So that's what you tell them

"Yeah, I think I do"

And it's not a question

Because this is your decision, you've been in this by yourself since the beginning

Because you lost everything, and no one cared enough to help

Because Shannon was preoccupied with Lawson

And Lawson was preoccupied with Shannon

Christian was trying to rebuild his tattered faith

And Kerry and Leon were too busy trying to sort all of this shit out

And to be perfectly honest you have no idea what the fuck Charlie was trying to do

Then Josh had bailed

And you lost another friend

And you had no one

So you turned to vodka, because that would never leave you

Part of you was hoping no one noticed you showing up hung-over everyday

Part of you wish they did

Because if they noticed, they would care enough to help

Or so you thought

You don't know whether they didn't notice or just couldn't be fucked caring

But either way, your silent cries for help went unnoticed

'Josh doesn't want you to do it do ya Josh?' Charlie asks, and suddenly you're snapped out of your thoughts, because up until this moment you hadn't given him a second thought, you were so focused on the bastard in front of you, that you didn't even see him

'No'

And you look up at him in disbelief 'But Josh what about . . . What about Mich . .'

Because wasn't this the reason why he left?

Wasn't this the reason he abandoned you?

The reason you thought he was dead

Wasn't this the whole fucking point?

And even if he's given up you can't stop now

'Stel, what did you say to me this morning?' Lawson asks you

And that catches you off guard, because you honestly can't remember

'I . . . I don't remember' You answer him shakily trying to figure out what the fuck this has to do with anything

'Yes you do, you do, think' He pushes you, and as much as you don't want to be you're distracted by the question

So the vengeful thoughts that are running through your mind a momentarily replaced as rack you mind for the answer

But you just can't remember

'You said you can't have it both ways . . . your words not mine'

And to be honest you can't even remember saying it

But he has a point

Because this will ruin your job

Your life

Because being a cop is all you have

And you've almost thrown it all alway before

But they stopped

Your team, your family, they were there for you

But not this time

This time you were on your own

And you hate to admit it

But you're scared

You're scared to go home

You're scared to go to sleep

And that's why you were at pubs until ridiculous hours in the morning

Why you showed up at Shannon's

It wasn't to comfort her

It was because you couldn't stand to be by yourself

Because when there were other people around, you felt safer, whether they were complete strangers or your best friend

And you know that was selfish, but it's what you had to do

It's what you needed to do

You said it to Lawson

'They picking us of one by one'

Because they killed Michael

And you thought they killed Josh

And the odds were that you or someone else in the team were next

But you never used to afraid of death, because you had your faith

You used to believe in something more

But right now, you're scared shitless, because your faith is shattered

Because after all you've seen, you can't believe in anything anymore

You're scared and you have no one

So you're standing there gun in hand

Because it would be worth throwing you career away if you could get to sleep at night

But as you look out at your team staring at you with worried eyes, with shocked eyes, you realise that maybe you might not be alone, and you start to sob

Because that seed of doubt has been planted in your head

And fuck you hate them for that

Because you **want **to do this

But now they're making you think maybe you don't **need** to

And as Josh walks up to you, you look at him, wanting to ask a question

Wanting to ask if it's over

If you can finally sleep at night

Wanting to know if he's going to leave you again

But all you can muster is 'Josh?' it sounds so weak, so fragile, so not you, but you don't care because right now you need to know, you need an answer to at least one of those questions

'I'm with ya' He nods

And you finally break

Because those three words answer all of your questions

But you can't just let the prick off scot free

So you plant your foot in his face

And that's it, it's finally over

But the relief you fill is quickly taken over by grief

And you fall to floor sobbing

Because Michael is gone and you're never going to see him again

And it's only now that you realise this

It's only now that you begin to accept it

And as you see Lawson approach you, you fall into his grasp

Sobbing like a little girl

As the walls you built up over the last month come crashing down

And everyone sees it, but you just don't care

Because the fact that they see it, means they noticed

And the fact that they're all still here means that they care

And you realise that maybe it's your fault you were alone

Because maybe they didn't notice

Maybe they were too busy

But you're sure that if you had of asked they would've helped

But you didn't, and that was on you

Because they were always there for you

At least that's what you choose to believe

Because if you don't, that means the makeshift family you spent so long building, abandoned you

And you couldn't handle that

Because it's one thing to lose a friend

It's another to be forgotten by a friend

So you don't question it

You chose to forget the last month you spent by yourself trying to get through this

Because that way you can believe they've got your back

You can believe they are there for you

Because whether it's true or not

That's what you need

And you're not going to question that

* * *

><p>So there it is finally finshed<p>

Please please reivew I'd love to what you think of the end XD


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